Fragile Threads
by melanie39
Summary: After a summer in Chino, Ryan returns to the Cohens and wants to contact his mother. A one shot drabbly thing.


Set at the end of the Summer post season one finale. After Ryan and Seth's return , Ryan decides he needs to re establish contact with his mother. A one shot.

Fragile Threads

5.30pm

She stepped out into the California sunshine, backpack slung over her shoulder, shielding her eyes to scan the parking lot. He hadn't arrived yet. She sat down on the steps of the Clinic and reached into her pocket. She laughed ruefully at herself. Old habits die hard. She wasn't craving nicotine now, but she still found it hard to figure out what to do with her hands.

The car swept into the parking lot a few seconds later. Sandy had been as good as his word. She had learnt that about him over the last few months. He always followed through with his promises. He'd promised to take care of Ryan and he had. He'd promised to keep her in touch with what was going on in her child's life and he had. And he'd promised to get her help after AJ had been arrested and imprisoned for drug dealing.

_The first month in the Clinic had been the toughest she'd ever known. That first week without alcohol and nicotine, her body had been a wreck. Palpitations, tremors, nausea and the pounding incessant headaches had left her screaming at the attendants for a hit. Just one. That was all she needed. But they'd refused to be cajoled, bullied, threatened. This was their job. They'd seen it all before and they'd see it all again. They'd been kind, supportive, gentle even, but completely inflexible. And they'd seen her through that first desperate week. The weeks that followed had been full of counseling, group therapy, social activities and the like. But now it was time to face the real world, and learn to cope without the support of friends in group therapy and the ever-present counselors._

Sandy took her backpack from her and placed it on the backseat. He opened the passenger door for her and she was reminded again of how much a gentleman he was. AJ would never have thought to do that. But then AJ lived in a world where women were only good for one thing.

As he started up the car, he eyed her appreciatively.

"You look really great Dawn."

She could tell he really wanted to add "That place has done wonders for you" but was too polite to do so. That would imply that she hadn't looked great before, which of course was true, but still, no woman likes to be reminded that they might not have looked their best.

"Thanks" she replied, smiling anxiously and then looking down to examine her hands. . She was actually pleased with her appearance. Her skin had taken on a healthier glow thanks to a regular diet of good food, her hair had been properly cut and styled instead of the home perm she had always relied upon and her nails were filed, shaped and painted neatly. The Clinic had run classes for the patients and she had enjoyed learning new skills with fully trained beauticians.

She was glad she looked good. Seeing Ryan again after all these months was going to be hard for them both. She wanted to show him she was really trying to make a difference. She wanted him to _see_ the difference. Then maybe, just _maybe_ he would listen to her reasons for leaving him with the Cohen's and maybe he could forgive her.

She just wanted the chance to explain to him how much she knew she'd failed him as a mother, how she should have protected him from AJ's punches and how she should never have allowed herself to be bullied into throwing him out after she'd collected him that time from juvie.

She just wanted to tell him how much she'd loved him, still loved him and that she'd left him with the Cohen's _because_ she loved him, knowing that he'd be safe away from AJ and a life that would probably end the same way as his father's and his brother's.

She pulled herself away from her thoughts and looked over at her son's guardian.

"I, I can't thank you enough Sandy. For all you've done." She spoke stiltedly, awkwardly. She reminded him of Ryan struggling to get his words out.

"Dawn, like I've said before, Ryan is part of our family now. That means you are too. So, anything we can do to help you, we'll do." He smiled encouragingly.

She nodded gratefully. That was all very well for Sandy to say. But she did feel bad, taking these people's money. It hadn't seemed so terrible when she'd first met them, but at that point she had seen life through a drunken haze most of the time and she knew her judgment must have been impaired. The Clinic must have cost a small fortune. It may have been an institution, but it was as luxurious as a fancy hotel in many ways. And Sandy and Kirsten had seen to it that she lacked for nothing. Their generosity knew no bounds.

They had made only one request of her, that she face Ryan.

5.45pm

Ryan lay sprawled on the bed in the Pool house, Seth's copy of Kavalier and Clay open in front of him. He was reading page 34 for perhaps the fourth time. He threw the book down in frustration. Why the hell did he always try to read that book when he was distracted? He got up and started pacing the room, like a caged tiger. This was ridiculous. He shouldn't be nervous about meeting his own mother for fuck sake.. He glanced at his watch. They'd be here in about forty-five minutes. Sandy had called just after he picked Dawn up.

Ryan abandoned all pretence of reading and lay back studying the ceiling. Meeting up with his mother had seemed like a good idea a few days ago. Now he wasn't so sure. He chewed his nails nervously. God, he needed a cigarette.

He thought back over the last couple of weeks. After he'd retrieved Seth from Portland and returned himself from Chino, he'd spent a good deal of time thinking about her. Where was she living? Where was she working? Was AJ still on the scene? Had she seen Trey? But mostly he wondered if she ever missed him. Did she ever wonder about him the way he was wondering about her? Did she ever feel guilty for throwing him out, for abandoning him?

He had come so near to becoming a parent himself that it had forced him to re evaluate his mother. He had been so wrapped up in his own pain of her abandonment that he had not really thought about what it had done to her. And now he thought he could see just what she had tried, in her own screwed up sort of way, to achieve. Yes, she'd abandoned him once- in Chino, when she threw him out, but that second time, when she'd left him with the Cohen's, she had done what she considered was best for him. She had cut the ties that bound him to give him the freedom to live a different life, a life she couldn't offer him. And Ryan could see now that that must have been the hardest thing for her. If it hadn't been for the baby and the grief he felt over its loss, he doubted he would ever have understood.

He had astounded the Cohen's when he had suddenly announced over breakfast that he wanted to track down his mother. Seth had stopped eating mid crunch, open mouthed with incredulity. Kirsten, who had been slicing bagels at the time, held the knife in mid air in astonishment. Sandy gave Ryan a sharp look and raised his eyebrows.

"_You want to see your mother? You're sure? Why the sudden change of heart kid?" _

_Sandy could be so like Seth on occasions like this, full of questions but never pausing for an answer_.

_"I, I just really need to see her." He replied, lowering his head to avoid direct eye contact with his guardian. He chewed the inside of his mouth nervously and his eyes darted up to gauge Sandy's reaction._

_"I'd just like your reasoning Ryan!" Sandy looked at him, still perplexed._

_When the explanatory words failed him, as the Cohen's continued to look on quizzically, he muttered "It's complicated", shrugged his shoulders and retreated to the pool house. _

He knew they didn't really get it. He didn't really get it himself. But he just knew that he needed to do this. And he also knew that they would be there for him, however it turned out. Because ever since he'd met them, they'd never let him down.

6pm

Sandy kept his eyes firmly on the freeway, as he anticipated the meeting ahead of them. He couldn't pretend to be pleased that Ryan wanted to re establish some contact with his mother. Even though Dawn had made great progress whilst at the Clinic, he was not under any illusions about how tough it was going to be for her in the real world. He didn't want Ryan dragged down with her, when or if she failed to stay clean. Not so soon after he'd returned from Chino. The kid had been through enough.

He'd been shocked when Ryan had announced that he wanted to track down his mother and Sandy had insisted they discuss it fully. Ryan had not offered much explanation as to the sudden change of heart however. He had steadfastly refused to talk about her for the last nine months and now here he was demanding to see her. Sandy was hopelessly confused.

"_Why now, Ryan? Why, after all this time?" Sandy quizzed him._

"_I just.... I can't explain." He looked up helplessly, gesturing his confusion with his hands._

When Sandy reflected later, he thought the loss of the baby had a good deal to do with it. He could only imagine what Ryan was going through, not having gone through a situation like that himself. The fact that the Paternity test results had confirmed his fatherhood the week before Theresa's miscarriage had seemed particularly unkind. He had just gotten used to the idea of the child being his when it was so cruelly snatched away. And Sandy was sure that the thought of being a parent had forced Ryan into confronting some issues that he had been trying to keep buried.

_"So...will you help me find her?" the boy had ventured, his blue eyes pleading_.

And at that point, Sandy had had to confess that he had in fact been in contact with his mother this whole time, and that at this very moment, Dawn was resident in a top drugs and alcohol rehabilitation center just an hour away, financed by Kirsten and himself.

He had expected Ryan to be pissed with him. He had been furious that time he'd kept Theresa being beaten up by Eddie from him. But Ryan had just nodded, accepting perhaps that he wouldn't have wanted to know even if Sandy had wanted to tell him.

"_Are you sure this is what you really want Ryan? I mean, you've just got your life back on track. You're back in school. You should be free of distractions. I know she's your mother and you love her but ...."_

"_I need to do this Sandy. Please, let me do it."_

The boy had looked across at him nervously and then dropped his eyes to the floor. And if Sandy had learnt anything about Ryan then it was that if he was determined to do something, then he would do it, and nothing Sandy or Kirsten could say would stop him.

His determination was admirable but on this occasion, totally misguided in Sandy's opinion. And Kirsten agreed with him. In fact it seemed one of the few things they _did_ agree on these days.

But they would support him, as they always did, and this meeting between the Cohen's and the Atwood's was just the beginning of trying to take the fragile thread that held Ryan and Dawn together and make it stronger.

6.15pm

Kirsten began unpacking the contents of tonight's dinner from the Styrofoam containers. Her heart was pounding and her stomach was in tight painful knots. She looked around for the half full glass of merlot she had left at lunch. Dammit. Rosa must have cleared it away. Maybe it was a good thing, keep a clear mind for the evening ahead. But God, she could do with that drink right now. Had she become as bad as Dawn? Did she always reach this part of the day and automatically reach for the bottle? She'd never really thought about it before. The thought was sobering.

She began to set the kitchen table for dinner. She and Sandy wanted to keep the meal as informal as possible. Memories of the last meal Dawn Atwood had eaten at their home were still fresh in all of their memories.

She glanced up at the clock and decided she really did need that drink. She would just have time to finish it before Sandy and Dawn arrived. She didn't want to put temptation in Dawn's way. She and Sandy would have to "stay dry" for the rest of the night.

As she reached into the cupboard to retrieve a glass, her eye caught last year's Chrismukkah photograph. She smiled at the memory and remembered how difficult it had been to persuade Ryan to join them in the photo, and then how difficult it had been to persuade him to smile! She knew he'd felt he was intruding on their family. They'd done their best to convince him otherwise but he was such an insecure kid, she knew he hadn't been comfortable with it. She hoped this Chrismukkah would be different, that Ryan would feel more secure about his position in their family. But who knew what might happen, now that Dawn was back on the scene? Maybe he wouldn't even be here.

Kirsten took a deep gulp from the glass. She knew she should be happy for Ryan that there was a chance he could rebuild a relationship with his mother, but all she actually felt was resentment. Resentment that this woman could walk back into his life and snatch him away from people who really cared for him. She drained her glass and moved to the window, overlooking the pool house. She gazed out of the window and watched Ryan lying motionless on the bed. She didn't want to lose him for a second time.

She refilled her glass and sat down. In a moment she would go and check on the boys. Seth was in his room reading all those comic book issues that had been delivered during his absence. It was just as well he had something to do, since he was grounded from all other activities. Ryan was lying low she knew. He and Seth had pretty much kept out of each other's way since Ryan's latest announcement. Seth had only just come round to forgiving Ryan for leaving him for Theresa, and Kirsten knew he was having a hard time understanding why Ryan wanted to put himself in the firing line yet again.

6.30pm

Seth threw the latest issue of Legion onto the floor and lay back on the bed. He was too pissed off to read. What the fuck did Ryan think he was doing? Going back into the belly of the beast? He just didn't get it. It made absolutely no sense to him. He had understood why Ryan felt he had to return to Chino with Theresa, although he would never admit it to Ryan, especially after being such a jerk about it. But Dawn? The woman who drank herself into oblivion? The woman who'd let her abusive boyfriend knock him about? The woman who'd abandoned him to strangers? It was beyond understanding. It was beyond reason. He shook his head in frustration.

But if he was being really honest with himself, Seth knew deep down what was really bothering him. He'd just gotten Ryan back; they'd just got to the point where things were cool between them again. How would he cope if Ryan left again?

Seth didn't believe in that phrase "blood is thicker than water". The bond he and Ryan had transcended any other relationships in their lives. At least, it did for Seth. Maybe Ryan didn't feel the way about Seth that Seth felt about him. Maybe he, Seth, just wasn't as important to Ryan as he had hoped he was. The thought was painful to him.

He knew he had two choices. He could handle things like he did before, and be a big kid sulking because he'd not got his own way, or he could be a grown up and support Ryan in whatever he decided he wanted to do. He sighed heavily. This wasn't going to be easy for Ryan, he knew. The least he could do was be with him. Even if it turned out the way Seth expected it would, he needed to be there for his friend and try _not_ to focus on how it was going to affect _him._ He needed to show Ryan that he wasn't always so self absorbed.

He heard his father's car turn into the driveway. He heard the car doors slam and the bleep as the alarm was activated. Seth stood up quickly, ran a comb hastily through his curls and took the short cut through to the Pool house.

Ryan was sitting on the edge of his bed, pulling on his boots. Seth approached him warily, his hands dug deep into his pockets.

"Hey man, your Mom's here."

Ryan eyed him apprehensively.

"Yeah I heard the car"

"You ready for this?"

"Not really"

Seth grinned.

"Well.... I got your back!"

Ryan's face broke into a smile, his anxiety shifting momentarily.

"Thanks buddy!"

They left the pool house together and walked down the driveway to greet Dawn.


End file.
